36 LIVE! WITH REGIS AND KELLY, a reason to be

36) Granny plumped her cushion to hide food stains. It was a sign of respect for Live! With Regis And Kelly after the show was finished for the day. One didn’t linger unceremoniously at the shrine. She made sure the leakage from her mu shu pork was completely covered. Chinese was a while ago, but she couldn’t think of anything else that would leave a tannish purple trail on the pillowcase but plum sauce and juice from the meat. She lifted an exhausted fistful of fabric and stuffing and sniffed. There was no odor besides age-old must. “Time marches on,” she mused, and looked forward to another Kwik Chik take-out meal.
“Might as well put on me thinkin’ cap.” In the wake of Live! With Regis And Kelly was The View. Granny Guss had renamed it “Bitches! Scream And Interrupt” for anyone who happened to join her on the recliner before she kicked them off. “Not like Whoopi and Barbara – or those other two t__ts – got anything worth hearin’ when they open their big traps,” was Granny’s excuse for the lack of neighborliness.
As always, she hurled a few curses and proceeded to ignore the show completely. “These jaybirds shouldn’t even be in the same business as Kelly! They oughta be folded away on latenight!” . . . just the way stiff blue cheese dressing smears of unknown age were hidden on Granny’s satin cushion.
“How’mIa-gonnamakeitup to the little cuss?” Normally, she’d be sound asleep by now, the very picture of far-gone necrobiosis, but her body had been propped up and her eyes opened wide by the power of an idea: the perfect present for little Drew the baptism boy. It was the conclusion of a syllogism as tidy and sound as the Guss Family abode. It went so:
“I think Regis Philbin is great, one of the greatest guys who ever lived. I respect him incredibly. If I had to choose, in a perfect world, I’d even pick him over Chad Everett.
“But I adore Kelly Ripa.
“Eggo, I’ll send something to Kelly, whenever that prissy monsignor finally shows up with the christening stuff, in the name of the baptism boy, baby Drew!”
She dropped a few tears, believing with all her heart that baby Drew and the star of Live! With Regis And Kelly were her true friends – when it came down to it, her only friends. Even before she’d tossed him the flyswatter, little Drew protected their common space, staring down, screeching, and swatting with his bare hands anything that invaded the two yards of carpet shared between his crib and her reclining sofa. And Kelly – Granny Guss cried a little more, tears of gratitude and joy – who but Kelly looked into her heart and knew all the good things she felt, knew all her virtues, otherwise so hidden here in San Anselmo’s version of GOD’S LITTLE ACRE, all her sweetness?
Not those four shrieking bitches that followed Reeg and darling Kelly on the same station. For sure! When those girlies looked into the camera and winked, they did it just to score points. It was all talk! Talk talk talk talk talk!
Granny was on the brink of another syllogism.


3 Responses to “36 LIVE! WITH REGIS AND KELLY, a reason to be”

  1. Peter Smith Says:

    This is great. It’s really building. Reaching into videoland materially is a stroke of genius. Can’t wait to see where it goes.

  2. MOD Says:

    Only you dare to overlap such reverberating strands of banality, pulling forth categorical imperatives and syllogisms as if it were no big f@#*&^! deal. The nerve! The gall!

    I wish some more people would link to your page so others could see these impossible stylistic, heuristic conveyances of yours. However, being a snob, I am happy you are limited to a select few of astute, erudite readers who understand your complete trashing of the delightful wasteland we inhabit, SF Bay Area, circa 2006.

  3. Peter Smith Says:

    And not just the San Francisco Bay Area. A balloon ride over the western edge of the Historic Hudson Valley nearly had me hurling over the side of the gondola. Endless waste, paving, flat black rubber roofs, slovenliness and junk masquerading as the American Dream. And, sad to say, I guess it is. Keep the light on, Author. MOD is right we need to share the Flyswatter. It’s important.

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